i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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