She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
