Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize