The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
