i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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