Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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