Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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