Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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