I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
