we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
