he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
