no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
