I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
