Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I am puke
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
