it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
