How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
