The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
