So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
