Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
