My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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