i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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