Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize