babies were throwing up all over the place
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
