Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize