Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
