Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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