I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
