How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
