Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
