1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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