Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
