Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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