what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
