soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
