I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
