I feel like abortions should bother me more
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
