omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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