hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
