Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize