I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
