Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
