There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
