did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
