I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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