I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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