i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
