It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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