So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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