i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
