They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
