I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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