If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
