The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
