not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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