He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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