She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
