I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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