If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
