I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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